and for you, stranger, I am here with curious fingers in this place I have not been for so long -
i don’t remember how to do this, do you? i think you do. i think you sit at your desk with wine, like me, cracking the small bones in your toes and rolling your neck and thinking, oh yes, i’ve got it i’ve got it. i think your glass would drain fast and it would be four in the morning, and maybe you would hear your mom walk to the fridge half asleep to make a sandwich but who knows maybe it would be your sister, or your dad.
did you notice the way i wrote that line? that was an ode to you. i think i learned that from you. i think i’m learning how to copy and thinking you might not notice. i’ll tell you anyway. right now for me it is about imitation and i don’t think you mind, you don’t mind do you? i think you’re a woman with ashy hair but of course i do and so how could you be, how could you be, how could you be.
i’ve found myself in the midst of some sort of identity crisis. i think. and it’s funny because it’s not just relevant to my personal life (meeting new people, making conversation, what do i say?) but also in silly things like this blog - what should I blog about? nothing in my life feels cohesive. i like indie music well respected by critics and i like spineless pop music. i like reading great novels from literary geniuses and i like reading People magazine. i like mad men and breaking bad and true detective and also the Kardashians. i like dressing up in heels and makeup and i like reading comics. i like the mental health and wellness and life inspiration internet-scene and i like the underground improv comedy scene. and i think it’s good to be well-rounded and like a lot of things, but sometimes I wish i could kind of find one niche and fully embrace it. and even beyond this, i look at how much of my likes have been introduced to me by my boyfriend..and i’ve genuinely come to love the things he’s shown me; i would never just respond to feeling pressured or fake that i like it or anything. but it brings me back to wondering who i am, without him and without you and without anyone. if i fell asleep and when i woke up my memory was erased, what would i do, which direction would i go? this is a dumb problem, whatever. just been thinking about it. things have been good all in all. i’m getting there.